Thursday, August 6, 2009

Travel Amnesia

Today's flavor: chocolate peanut butter pie - oooh, it looks so good and tastes yummy, but not worth the upset stomach or the extra pounds.

Every year Husband and I are afflicted with Travel Amnesia. In our desparation for R&R, and need to go somewhere far from home, we decide to venture a flight - with absolutely no recollection of the last trip and our declarations of "never again." It's not until the morning of travel that it all starts coming back. The kids deciding this is the morning they will demand a large, balanced hot breakfast. Their inability to find the most essential gear, such as DS games and the T-Rex with the red stripe; their claim that the shoes/headphones/pjs/swimsuits/ books/toothbrush/flip-flops /underwear, etc. I've packed for them is unsuitable for travel and "Can we please buy a new one when we get there, please Mommy, please?" And I irrationally agree, as I'm singularly focused on the goal of getting all 3 kids and the luggage into the car in under 4 hours - ambitious, but I think I can do it. When we're nearly at the airport, there's the distressed cry of "My belly hurts," - the 3 y.o.; "I forgot my goggles!"- the 7 y.o.; "Can I call Danielle?" - the 10 y.o. Me: "Try to make a toot. I packed them for you. It's too early to call anyone." I'm absolutely giddy that the ride has been uneventful, with only one accusation of "She called me a turd!" and only one demand of "How long 'til we get there?" At the airport we prepare our boarding passes, drivers' licenses, notorized affidavits that we are wearing clean underwear, blood and urine samples, proofs of purchase, proof of life, declarations of sanity, and flags for pledging allegiance. We're ready. But naturally, we draw the surliest of TSA agents who eyes us all with unveiled suspicion and instructs us to begin stripping. Off come the shoes, sunglasses, belts, hats, bracelets and tongue studs. My 10 y.o. hesitates before stepping through the magic metal blessing portal. "What about my retainer?" she whispers to me anxiously. I can't help myself - I whisper back to her and she steps up to the surly agent and offers her spit-laden oral appliance. The agent is satisfyingly mortified and suddenly we are rushed through. Hoooray! We're in - we haven't been arrested for breathing too heavily or having too many vowels in our names. They've confiscated my daughter's bubble gum toothpaste (it was 4.2 ounces, instead of 3) and I can't possibly give my son his juice after they dip-tested it "for explosives" (seriously - that's what they said), but for only $1200 worth of tickets and a bit of humiliation, we get to fly!

18 comments:

  1. Kudos to your daughter. I'll remember that - my son will be getting his braces off soon and the retainer just may come in handy. In fact, I may still have mine from 1983 - I may have to use it on my upcoming trip...

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  2. OMG, this makes me want to stay far, far away from a plane with my kids.

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  3. Can I comment on the chocolate peanut butter pie? Cause that's all I can think about now! So... YUM!!!!!
    Happy GNO!
    PS- Cute blog!

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  4. Now I am officially no longer upset about having to stay home this summer!

    Happy VGNO!!!

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  5. Spit-laden oral appliance...priceless! And try and make a toot...lmao!

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  6. I haven't had to be searched yet. Doesn't sound like fun. It's amazing how they think a kids juice or bubble gum toothpaste is dangerous! Hope your trip was great after that!

    Happy VGNO!

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  7. Hubby always gets the extra wand search - no matter what. He's resigned himself to that anytime we fly...poor guy! :) LOVE that you told your munchkin to make a toot to make their tummy feel better...LOL! And the retainer? Priceless! :)

    Happy VGNO! :)

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  8. OMG you have officially deterred me from ever taking my kids on a trip that requires an airplane. Although, I'm sure it was more pleasant than the last road trip I took my 3 boys on. Oh lord the nightmares are coming back!

    Happy VGNO and have a wonderful weekend~

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  9. I like peanutbutter chocolate pie, it is my favorite (probably why my thighs are so big)
    OMG I can't imagine traveling with more then one kid GOOD LUCK

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  10. Oh gosh. Traveling is so anxiety-producing for me.

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  11. Oh how I hate traveling! Happy belated VGNO!!

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  12. THat is just insane. And I hope it's not the last retainer that TSA agent gets to handle!

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  13. Funny (to read). I'm sure it wasn't so funny then. Traveling can be stressful enough with just one person sometimes. :)

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  14. I thoroughly appreciated flying along last weekend. The last couple trips I kept waiting for them to check my baby's diaper for a bomb.

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  15. omygoodness this reminds me of our trip to florida...all the stuff we had going through the conveyor belt...it was ridiculous.

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  16. yikes! This is why we drive. Crazy policies. Makes you hate flying. Anyhoo, where did u go?

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  17. Travel amnesia! That does explain a lot. Like the last four times we took the boys out.

    There must be a drug for that.

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  18. It is crazy to treat us all like criminals.

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